this will be alive till the 9th of july
My dearest OB,
It's hardest to be torn between loving someone and hating them, at the same time. Imagine your hands and legs tied to two horses running in different directions. They pull at the reins, you feel that stretch start to set in. It continues in intensity, your joints feel like jelly, you are like a gummy bear stretched into distortion.
Source of hate: I feel used. I didn't initiate any physical intimacy. YOU asked me, so that it would happen and you could ghost me. I knew if anything happened you wouldn't speak to me again. I was holding back, keeping my secrets to myself. You pulled them out of me, like a magician pulling out the hankies from a top hat: red, blue, yellow, golden! Voila! And neatly you sealed the deal, justified the ghosting in your mind, and disappeared into a plume of smoke. I felt soiled. My most precious moment made into a sordid sleazy hotel room romance. I didn't need it. I had been fine and self content for 10 years! How dare you!
Source of love: i re-read our old letters. The love washes over me like a wave. I have never met a soul more in synch with mine, an extension of my heart beat in another body. It was magical. I sometimes wonder, with the many lives of bearblog if we had already made it to 1241, and that's why we had to end. But in my heart I know it was less, it falls short, and an emotion and intellectual connection like this can't be snuffed away. Then I start praying you will reach out. You will think of me, as I think of you. We will firmly maintain the physical boundaries of our friendship and things go back to the way they were, before I let my guard down, and trusted you with my skin. I feel like a fool. I knew that would push you away, yet I got tempted and made that fatal mistake. And now I have lost you forever.
I will change the password of the blog after the 9th of July. It is my birthday. I will release myself from this cycle on that day, and you won't be able to contact me after that.
Maybe you don't think of me at all. I'm a conceited fool. Maybe I'm one of many women you seduce. Maybe I'm special. Maybe you are avoiding me for other reasons.
Just know this: ghosting is a terrible terrible thing. Blocking on whatsapp, on mails, it's a terrible cowardly thing. I love you enough to pray it never happens to you. Dear God, may OB never feel the pain of such rejection.
Aai