rtt0938
Hey OB,
Sorry to hear about little Wali! He really gets them doesn't he! Reminds me alot of antu. There wasn't a single photo till he turned 8, where he didn't have a runny nose and a hanky pinned to his t shirt!
I understand why you are feeling down. Every situation which is bad, is just made worse if one of the babies is unwell! I feel sad from inside, like a stone is sitting inside my chest. My heart sinks when I see that 5ml CALPOL 250 and augmentin duo and cetrizine syrup and all the ants that are permanently attacking our medicine cabinet. Damn those sugary syrups! ((Calculate the dose Aai....25kg x 20mg/kg....oh no that's the iv dose))
OB, everytime I spiral into depression I try to analyse it after the episode. Like seven steps before a catastrophe occurs. There will be a trigger (death of a loved one, memory of an event, fresh event, whatever it may be) and then I will first accept it. Then once it sinks in I start toggling between all my previous experiences with similar moments. Then all the previous experiences begin to wash over me and I feel myself falling into the trap. Then i slowly started sinking. I sink and sink. At each step i try to pull myself out, (in no particular order)
- Tablet serta immediately
- Long run
- Frantic piano practice
- Journalling
- Prayers/ chanting
- Write to a friend (as of Jan 6th, 2026)
Alot of times nothing works, sometimes everything works. Sometimes the spiral continues and I fall deeper and deeper inside. Then i know it's gone beyond the actual topic at hand. I mean, I suffer from pathological optimism right? Now I can recognise the point of being absolutely low: when i realise I don't know if I will be alive the next day. When it all seems utterly futile. I have just switched off. I wish everyone well and know them im done with it all.
So, i envy death. I feel the person is so lucky, they get to meet God sooner and get to escape this continuous cycle. But imagine if there are no sunsets in the afterlife? If we can't smell the grass because there is no grass? There is no squelchy mud between our toes? There is no dog smell? There are no soft cheeks to rub with our own? There is no hot chocolate to savour on a cold day? There are no frosted mountains? There is no surf? There is no humming train? There is no sand that pulls us forward as the waves retreat? There are no friends who make us smile?
We come alone and we go alone. We all know that right? But in the interim there are children who are mad about you.....friends who rely on you....parts of the world that still need you to see them.
So don't be sad. Whatever it is, we have to keep getting back on the bike.
Pedal. pedal. pedal.