relief
It is with a sense of relief that I get my blog back. It's like reclaiming my thoughts.
The truth of the matter is, he and I are exactly the same. Good looking, well spoken, charming, religious seekers, spiritual enthusiasts, yet undoubtedly involved in the world and consciously enjoying it's charms. We love seducing people, then claiming it was innocent from our side. We both have a strong of admirers. Let me be honest, I kept him on with at least two others. We would actually have been perfect friends, if we had confided in each other of our tendencies. I know the intensity of infatuation was mutual from both sides: but honestly, would I have left my marriage for a zealous muslim with three children in Srinagar? A man who barely works, is partly depressed because he hasn't gotten over his previous affair, who serially cheats because he enjoys female adulation, who is clearly in an unhappy marriage with a capable, yet overbearing wife? He would have briefly been with me, then found more adulation elsewhere, and moved on. It would have been a five year kind of thing, like Prasanna Sir and his wives. As for me, I would have thought him to be my saviour, giving up everything I know? Was I really going to? Ruin my kids mental spaces, ruin my parents, ruin my career? Gotten vilified to the world? Wronged his poor wife, whose only fault is that her husband is a romantic and a cassanova. There was no easy way for him to break off. I kept reaching out, and he was in love enough to keep falling back in. When it finally because physical he realised what the next step would have been. And decided it was impossible. He isn't wrong. Would I have kept it going for 10/11 years till his youngest kid grew up? Lived in the secrecy of being caught, his wife leading an oblivious life of a fool. Is that karmically right? No it isn't. He is facing the void of the Muslim cleric whom he loved/ loves, but whom he had to break off with when his wife found out. She clearly wasn't ready to be wife no 1 and no 2! So he chose his family because he does love them, and was left with this void. I slipped in and filled it. Both of us looking for a partner who loves us and is as romantic. But did it have a future? No. Only a huge waste of time and alot of deceit.
I'm so so relieved it is over. I can concentrate on my family and grow them well. Yes, I miss the thrill of the texts, sharing my day, cute thoughts. That doesn't last forever. And if I have to do it, it should be with a person who isn't such a big loser. He does not work, bade baap ka bada beta. So he earns a steady income from the hospital and can afford to live the life he wants. But he is a mujahid without a cause, a kashmiri without a country, a husband without a wife.
Poor chap.
Me sutle.