forgiveme
Dear OB,
Forgive me for saying this, but I feel I must. As your well wisher and your whatever you view me as (I won't be presumptious enough to assume I am your soul sister, as I feel you are mine, because at the end of the day we know you are much more intelligent than me, but definitely as crazy), but as your friend for lack of a better word, I must say this.
Leave your past behind. That lady used you, left you with a bad feeling. She is gone.
You have a wonderful wife, the best person for you. You love her and cherish her. Enjoy that. Spoil her, pamper her, dance to her tunes and make her know she is loved.
You have connections with others, they may be male or female. It may include me, you might not want to include me, whatever it is, don't let your previous experiences mar your your present interactions. You have learnt from your mistakes. You have grown from them. But value the people who come into your life if they ignite your thoughts and bring you joy. Don't be afraid to feel the joy. Don't feel guilty to feel joy. Because you won't find many people like that as you walk through life, it's a small group of like minded folks, 7 to be precise. To err is human, To forgive, divine. Forgive yourself.
We come alone, we go alone. But the interactions in between is what develops us as people.
I will never ever use you. I will never tear your life apart. It's just not in my soul. I may not be the brightest, the coolest, the calmest, the prettiest, the whateverist.
But i know I am the goodest.
And I know that you are good.
You love your family and your life. Love them, and enjoy your life.
You always ask me why I didn't interact with you in 2014, (I had a six month old, husband in Italy, and zero sleep and no help) Then why I didn't interact with you in 2019 (I found your DM on insta yesterday, but your question, if I remember correctly, was specifically for dnyaneshs clinic number for your cousin.) I was on ketamine, fentanyl, contemplating suicide, I stopped eating, i weighed 39kilos, I had cut my own hair off. To the outside world i ran a large music appreciation class (I needed the money, HN didn't pay enough), worked as a doctor, had everything. But I was a hollow coconut who was doing all sorts of shit. I would listen to the same pieces of music on loop. I etched out words and music score on my thighs with needles. My body was a gorgeous tattoo of epidermal scratches just enough to hurt, but not brave enough to harm.
I forgive myself for all that. I was young. I didn't know anything better. I had no friend i could share any of this with, because I myself couldn't understand it. Today, I'm grateful for that time, because I learned so much, the value of life, the value of love, and the value of human connections.
So what do I want from you now? I want your friendship, I want a little bit of your time, I want your thoughts, I want to bounce my thoughts of you. I want to understand life better and better, and I deeply enjoy your perspective and connection.
I cannot describe the joy I felt when I saw your brief "9lives of the bear." Tears poured down my face. Thank you for being willing to face your demons, leave them behind and having the courage to preserve a friendship.
So please don't thank me for #witnessingeachother.
It is I, who thank you.
#1240
Aai